Before we get into the working definition of life groups here at Church of the Holy Spirit, I want a show of hands. It's going to be participatory, so feel free to share. How many of you guys are presently in a Church of the Holy Spirit life group?

Okay. That's probably 75%. That's awesome. How many of you are not in one, but would like to be in one? Raise them up high. All right. That's good to know because my job is gonna be thinking strategically about how to make that happen.

This morning, I'm gonna open up another can of worms and you have permission to be angry with me if you want. But this is a working definition of life groups here at Holy Spirit. Now, there are a lot of things that we do in terms of fellowship, small groups, Bible studies, and those are wonderful and we wanna keep doing those. They're awesome and you can't replace those. But as we're thinking strategically about LifeGroups, there's a working definition that we as a staff are thinking through.

I'd love to ask you: what makes a life group? Give me some elements of a life group.

Fellowship

Fellowship. Okay, so what does that mean, fellowship? Just sharing your life with somebody on a weekly basis or biweekly or however often you meet. Great. That's awesome.

Let me break this down for a second. There is a verse in First Thessalonians chapter two, verse eight. Does anybody know it?

We loved you so much that we were delighted to share not only the gospel of God with you, but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us. — 1 Thessalonians 2:8

We loved you so much that we were delighted to not only share the gospel of God with you, but our lives as well because you become so dear to us. We're gonna hang a lot of things on that verse because it is so true. Fellowship, sharing life. That's perfect.

Prayer

What else? Prayer. Yes. Let me ask you: for those of you in LifeGroup, if you don't plan prayer in your LifeGroup, how often do you pray in your LifeGroup? Do you pray all the time? Or is it the last thing that you do and you're like, "Oh no, we ran out of time"? You do it the first thing? That's actually really good. We should probably do that. Prayer. Wonderful.

Spiritual Growth

What else? Augmentation to spiritual growth. Our primary place certainly is in our Sunday worship. The message is from Sloop and all of them. Sunday school is an augmentation. The LifeGroup is an extension of that in your everyday life. Our primary place of fellowship and prayer and scripture and fellowship is going to be on Sunday. But the LifeGroup kind of flushes this out in a real world situation.

Breaking Bread

What were you saying? Breaking bread, snacks, food. This is my favorite part of LifeGroup. On my slides, it's a negotiable thing. You don't have to have food and that's okay. But if you can have food, have food because food is the best. In fact, in the ancient cultures, when you ate with people, they were your family. So when we eat with one another, they're our family. When you get together with people, you bring them over to your house and you grill out, they're family. It's just a really sweet picture of what we can do as a family.

Community

Anything else? Community. Community. How does that work?

What does that mean, community? It's a big word and we probably need to figure out what you're talking about. Gathering of people at the same stage with the same issues in life where you can talk and freely communicate with people about what your needs are, what their needs are in a very protected environment. That's great.

You said some things in there about same life stage and different things or same stuff that you're going through. Some of those life groups will look like that. Some of them won't. My purpose as Life Group Director is not to blow up your life group. But we are working on the possibility that there might be some life groups that do come together with a common stage, but there might be some that look a little bit different than that.

I was gonna say, and sometimes it's looking at people either ahead of us or guiding people behind us. Becky said, for those of you over here, she's like a little mouse. This is what she does in my house. She'll say, honey, and I'm like, yes. Right away. She'll go, I was wondering if you show every. I think my hearing's going. It's not. She said, and I quote, "It's good sometimes to be in a life group where you are kind of at a different place, where you're leading some folks at a different place and some people are leading you. This Paul-Timothy teaching thing." Great word.

It's a gathering of people who are alike and have the same beliefs that you have. I'm glad that you said that too. The assumption is that your life group is centered on scripture. We haven't said this yet, but the people that are in your life group are people that either are fervently in love with Jesus or want to be. There is an element of evangelism and discipleship in our life groups. All of Christianity is evangelism and discipleship. We evangelize ourselves every day. We disciple ourselves every day.

Service to others. Yes. If we just do this, that's kind of rough. We want to have an outward focus to serving others, serving the community, serving the larger church. We do life together—the good, the bad and the ugly.

When I was here about fifteen years ago or so, this gentleman came up to me, his name was Alan Janney, and he said, you need to be in a life group. And I said, no. And he said, yes, you do. I gave every excuse under the sun. He said, you need to be in a life group. I'm glad that he was persistent because I joined Alan's life group. It's messy. It's been messy over the years, but we've gone through the fire. When you go through the fire with people, when you go into war with people, when you're in the foxhole with people, you come out with a bond that's different. It's actually pretty sweet.

We are at this church—Melissa and I, a huge reason that we moved to Roanoke is a much longer story. But during COVID, the Jannies, the Fetzers, that life group, they invited us. We were living in Harrisonburg at the time. They invited us to come spend a weekend with them at Rockbridge, and we came. We knew the Fetzers, we knew the Jannies, we had met some of the other folks in the life group. But we walked away from that weekend and said, we have never experienced community like that. Melissa and I had been in full-time ministry most of our adult life. But there was something about y'all's life group which now I'm in.

Well, we haven't voted. This is a preliminary time that you and Melissa are in, so still in that stage.

Diane said commitment is important. Just being committed to one another, to showing up for the long haul. If people kind of come and kind of go, it ruins the dynamic. Each time we invite somebody new in, it's a joint decision amongst everybody. There are some questions about how fast do we throw people into a life group? What variables play into someone joining a life group? It could definitely mess things up or make things better. It's more art than science. Size is important too.

Okay. Well, you want to speak into that? What size is the best size for Life Group? 10 to 12 probably is the ideal size because if it gets greater than that, then people stop talking. Yeah. 10 to 12 is what Diane says. How many of you in a life group that is not 10 to 12 people? Oh, really? You guys are all in life groups that are 10 to 12 people? Do they do those 10 to 12 people come every week? Okay. So it's less than that or it's more than that? I'm sorry. Yes. You were gonna say something.

One of the things I found really beautiful in our life group is not your on Sunday, you're sitting here, you're listening to teaching. But we have conversation going of everybody kind of feeding their thoughts and the things that the Lord's showing them through scripture and it's richer. It's not that the sermon's bad, but—

So they—I know, I know. What was said over here was that on Sunday morning, there's less—and I don't know if this is on us. This is more on us. There's less participation in the word in that. So when we get together in a life group, we get to flesh that out a little bit more. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. And doing it the way we've done it with talking about scripture that's gonna be coming up in the sermon has really made it even slower.

Yeah. That's great. That's awesome. Yes. I think accountability is an important aspect. I based it on Hebrews 10:24, which says:

Let us consider how to spur one another to love and good deeds. — Hebrews 10:24

And I think men need to be accountable to men and women to women and just learn how to step into their God-given role. Yeah. And what each other say where maybe we're not living up to. Yeah. That's great. Did you guys hear that? Hebrews 10:24 and 25. Let us consider how we may spur one another on. That there's an accountability to our life group that the people that we're meeting with—it's different than like a, you know. Well, it's just different. It's just a different element altogether because they're becoming like family. Yes?

The particular small group that I'm part of has been meeting for close to twenty-five to thirty years now. And so we have—we've gone to weddings, we've gone to funerals. We have brought food to people. We have visited the hospital with each other. We've gone through terrible crises and evolved from funerals and things. So I think there's ministry to each other as well as ministry out to outside of the group. Yes. So I just think to have a group that you can expose your soul to and be encouraged and know that it's protected is—yeah. That's great. That's a good word.

Did you guys hear most of that or do I need to repeat it? I do need to repeat it. I think in the future, I'm just gonna have everybody just come in, pack in the first four or five rows so we can all hear. Because I can't recreate what was just said, but it was so wonderfully said. When we're in a life group together, we're ministering to one another. We're going to each other. She's—what's your name? Judy Walker. Judy was in a life group, meeting for twenty, twenty-five years. They've done weddings together, funerals together. They're ministering to one another. They're sharing life with one another. And there's a ministering into the body as well. Great.

Yes. This is more of a question about the polarity or lack of polarity of a life group in regards to age, sex, socioeconomic, race—whatever, particularly age. Is it good to be a bunch of old guys or is it good to have a mix? What do you guys think? Is it good to have a mix or just be a bunch of old guys? You say mix. How many of you guys say mix it up? How many of you guys say no, it's good to be in the same general place with one another? I say both are good. Both are good.

Now, if I were to tell you how many—based on how we normally think of LifeGroups, I'm in like eight LifeGroups. But I'm not really in eight LifeGroups. I'm in one LifeGroup and I've got a bunch of different meetings with people throughout the week or month. Some of them are people my age, some of them are people that are younger, some are people that are staggered. I go to Tuesday morning Bible study with Tim and that's all old dudes and me. And I wouldn't call Tuesday morning with Tim a life group. That's like Tuesday morning with Morrie. You guys remember that book? People—never mind. Okay. So Tuesdays with Tim—I wouldn't call that a life group. Even though we're sharing life in there, we're sharing scripture. That's not a life group. My—I wouldn't consider that a life group, personally. Okay?

So this is where you guys are gonna get upset with me and that's okay. You guys can direct all of your ire at me because now I have a church email. Alright? So it's dave at—just kidding. Just kidding.

What Makes a Life Group a Life Group

Let's see what the work—okay. Weekly gathering. Okay. So this is ideal. Okay.

I know that some don't meet weekly, but we're shooting for that because here's the reality. If you meet every other week and you happen to miss one, you don't see them for a month. That's a long time in between sharing life. And when you get back together, it's tough—unless there's stuff going on outside the meeting, which we're going to talk about a little bit. So weekly gatherings are what we're shooting for.

When the question came up about what a life group looks like, I think it should match your life. If you think you need to be with singles, then you seek out a life group like that. If you want the multi-generational, inspirational aspect, then seek out that life group. I don't think there's a perfect answer for what a life group looks like. It's what your life group needs to look like.

From the church's standpoint, we have a bunch of different groups that meet, and one of them are life groups.

Characteristics of Life Groups

Mostly co-ed. This is where you might get upset. This is the ideal, and here's why. Because when I'm in a Bible study with just guys—I meet with four guys on Thursday morning—it's awesome, and we share life together. But my wife, who is a part of me, is not a part of that. I'm not really sharing that aspect of my life with their wives. We happen to be married, but some people aren't married. I totally understand that. That's why this is mostly co-ed. Some people don't want to be in a co-ed life group, and that's perfectly fine. But this is how my mind is working.

The next one is family-oriented. If you have kids, your kids are spending time with the other kids of the people that are in the life group—not that they're sitting around listening to you guys, but they're a part of this mindset of a family-oriented life group.

Next, Bible study fellowship. We talked about fellowship. You've got to be in the Word in the life group. I really think so. One of the risks is that we become so comfortable with each other that we stop opening Scripture together. That's really easy to fall into that trap. That way it's both a Bible study and a fellowship.

Next is where lives and hearts are being shared with the group. There's a vulnerability that's happening, and accountability as well.

Non-Negotiable Elements

First, that we're in God's Word. Why would we squander that time?

Next, prayer.

Next, evangelism and discipleship—that we're always doing this in service.

Next, friendship. I know that sounds kind of weird, but you'd be friends with the people you're meeting with. If you're not, we used to tell our kids, "You have to be a friend to have friends." Like, if you're just a drain and not a fountain, it's going to be hard for people to say, "Yeah, bring it in." You have to be a friend to have friends.

And confidentiality. Nobody said this, but your life groups have a confidentiality to them.

You're sharing stuff in there that's not being shared outside of that because of the vulnerability that needs to exist in a LifeGroup where you're sharing life.

Practical Application

This is like, what do you do with this stuff? If you're just insular and you don't really think about how this applies to the life that we live, I think that's a risk as well. And then I have a negotiable element of Life Group. But I think I'm going to move this to non-negotiable if it can work, which is food. Because some people can't do it. That's fine.

Benefits vs. Cost

The benefits are what are the benefits? I think the biggest thing is that we belong. What a benefit of a group of people where you just feel connected.

Now, I'm going to spend just a second and talk to you about Dunbar's Rule. I don't know the guy either, but he had numbers. He said that generally, people are designed to have only a certain capacity for intimacy and relationship capacity.

So he says there are five people that you're in an intimate relationship with—people that know everything. It's probably family, close family. There are 15 people that you are besties with. Those are people that would be defined in this LifeGroup. People that know your struggles, that you know theirs, that you're praying for them. There's 50 people that you could be friends with—maybe coworkers, people that you would go out to lunch with, people that you would spend time with but not on a regular basis. But they're not your besties. You're not sharing everything with them.

Relational capacity reaches its climax at about 150 people. Typically, the normal human being can't have more than 150 relationships with others. If it goes beyond that, it gets really watered down. If you're an introvert, it's probably a lot less than that, but 150 people is about the number.

On Easter, we had about 1,600 people here. So at your best, you will only know less than a tenth of the people that come to this church. So what does that mean? In order for us to have people feel connected, in order for us to grow, we have to get smaller. In order for us to expand, we have to come in and have those connections with people in a group where we're sharing our lives and the gospel with one another and modeling Acts 2:42, which you guys know. What are the four or five things that the Christians did? Prayer. Apostles' teaching. Fellowship. Breaking bread. They probably sang a little bit too.

And we're going to grow, guys. We have 85 new people going through the new member class. That's bigger than most churches, and those are just people that want to join. Those folks are going to want to be in a LifeGroup.

One of the main benefits that I've seen is sharpening one another. As we're discussing scripture, praying for one another, having smart people to speak things into you or something that you may not have seen. You learn a lot over the years through that.

I think one of the costs that comes to mind is just that it's a sacrifice. There's always something else that we can do or choose to do with our time, and it's a decision that you must make before you need to make it. You gotta plan and prioritize this and be intentional with it. It's sacrificial.

We will make time for that which we want to do. If we want to do something, we will make time for it. I have a tee time this week on Thursday. I made time for it. I'm going because it's with people that I want to be with, and it's golf.

And the Masters just happened and I feel like my game's gonna get better just because I watched it on TV. We make time for what we want to make time for, and we tell high school kids this all the time. Like, "Man, I don't have time." But if you had a girlfriend, you'd make time for her. You have time. So we make time for that which we want to make time for.

One reason to join a LifeGroup is that we learn to love Jesus more. That's reason enough. We could just stop there. The second reason is that we learn to love people better—because it's messy. You're dealing with other people.

Benefits of Life Groups

Melissa, you mentioned something about integrity safeguards. Having people who you're gathering with every week and who are seeing you prevents hiding and isolation. You're not sharing your deepest wounds all the time, but being in a life group gives people a doorway to speak into you and prevents hiding. That's a great word.

Another big benefit is we get to do something that Jesus also did. Jesus had the three, the twelve, seventy-two, and then all the crowds. I see those twelve as kind of like our small group, our life group. We're trying to be like Jesus and his disciples, really to do something that he did. We're modeling Jesus.

When we're together in a life group, we see things differently when other people are talking into them. We like people who would edify something in somebody else.

If you are a family and we're in a region where we don't have close family, you're inviting people to love your children. It's a beautiful thing to see people care about your children, and you get the opportunity to open your hearts to love their children. When we get to support other children, it's such a unique blessing. It's wonderful not only for you as a parent to see other people loving your children well, but also to open your hearts to love other children. And for your kids to experience that there are other trusted adults in their life who might be edifying, who see the wins in them, who they know they can trust—and maybe if at some point they had a struggle or a question, they could potentially talk to them. That's a really beautiful thing that comes out of this as well.

If you want to love me the best, love my kids. Do stuff for my kids. That shows the most love to me. If you love my kids, you're loving me.

For people who are new to the fellowship, new to the church, there's the Sunday kind of faith. But when you transfer that to a home group, there's a Monday through Saturday kind of faith that integrates your faith into everything you do in your life—your relationships, your money, your time, everything. A life group really teaches that integration of taking Sunday faith and expanding it out to the week. But it's not something that happens quickly. It takes time.

There's also just learning to be loved. And especially for guys—and this was pre-COVID numbers—seventeen percent of men don't have more than three or four friends. A quarter of men don't have a close friend and they don't seek it out either. They just don't do it. If you go outside the walls of this church and go out to just a general area, guys don't seek out friendship. They just don't do it. If they don't have their friends now, they're not going to be like, "Hey, I got a best friend now." That's not going to happen. That's why I think this is crucial, especially for men.

The Reality of Male Friendships and the Call to Community

Twenty-six percent of men have six or more friends. Seventy-five percent of men don't have more than five friends, and about 25% have no close friends at all. These are pre-pandemic numbers, just so you know. And social media screwed things up too.

The benefits are immense. There's really a thousand.

An Invitation to Life Groups

I want to give you my cell phone number and my new church email address: andy@chsroanoke.com. You're welcome to have both. If you're interested in joining a LifeGroup, leading a LifeGroup, or being a co-leader of a LifeGroup, I want to know that. I want to talk to you. I want to get together with you. I want to drink coffee and talk and dream.

I'm not here to blow up LifeGroups or to say that you're doing it wrong. I want to encourage you. I want to give you the resources. I want you to experience LifeGroups how I have experienced LifeGroup.

I know that's a risky thing for me to say because there's probably some people in here that look at my LifeGroup and think, "They're clique." And I would say yes, we are. Because in a church this size, we're going to have friends that are closer than others, and it's okay.

A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is one or a few that stick closer than a brother.

It's okay to have friends that you're willing to share your heart and your life with. It comes with going through the fire with them. But I want you to have this as well. If you don't have it, if you know what I'm talking about, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I want you to experience this life-giving, sweet gift that this church offers. You can get into a group and share life with one another. It's going to get messy and it's going to be beautiful. It's going to be rough and it's going to be wonderful. It's going to push you and it's going to stress. There's going to be times where you're serving people, but it's worth it. It's worth it. It's worth it.

I love my LifeGroup. I love it, love it, love it.

Why I Stayed

A week ago, I didn't have a job with the church. I could live anywhere in the world and do my job. In fact, it would be better if I lived somewhere with a bigger airport. But I didn't move. It wasn't because we still had a kid in high school. I moved all the time as a kid, so that didn't bother me.

You know what it was? It was the fact that I had a church that's second to none. That I had a LifeGroup. Why would I retire and move? Daniel Sorrell, who's in my LifeGroup, said to me six or seven years ago, "Why would you move to Florida when you retire? Why would you go down there to die with people who don't know you? You stay with the people that you're friends with." And it hit hard. I was like, okay, I'll stay.

If any of you have a place in Florida that I can go visit for a couple of weeks, that'd be awesome.

How to Reach Out

If you text me, please tell me who you are because I probably don't have you in my phone. Then the next text from me will be like, "Yeah, that'd be great. Who's this?" Just tell me who you are and then we can talk about this. Or you can email me at andy@chsroanoke.com and we can talk about life groups or anything you want, but I'll probably just want to talk about life groups.

Different Life Group Styles

There are different styles of LifeGroups. Some have people that love to create and build and expand and birth things out. And then some are just a good model of solid, consistent community where people stay together.

That's okay. We're not here to blow up any of those things. There are some that are just designed to be like, come, go. And then there's some that are like, okay, come. So we'll talk more about that. If you want to text me, we can flesh that out a little bit more.

For the sake of time, I'm going to pray and then we're going to roll out of here. Please, I'm here to serve you guys and to really think through strategically how you can have the resources to be encouraged to have LifeGroup and that you would love Jesus more. And that's probably what our goal is—that you would love Jesus more.

Lord, thank you for these friends. Thank you for this church. In Jesus' name, we pray. Amen.

Alright. Go.